24 November

1995

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and the day before was Zac's B-Day.

For Thanksgiving Mom and Dan's friends Holly and Harry came. They brought their kids Indiana and Dashiel. Dashiel was sort of a pain, but he was cute. Abby dressed Indie up like a princess and I dressed Dan up like a prince. They were cute! 

Well, I'm excited to see Loren (not) at the sock-hop! (Yeah, right.)

Bye! 

1998
4:45 pm

Hi. Today was just completely boring. I got Anti-Flag back from Stacie, though. And my pyramid-spiked sweatshirt. I decided to SCREW MISTER PUNK ROCK. So when he glared at me I smiled. I guess photography was fun. I got to listen to Joe & Bruce talk about how it is to get wasted. Joe says it's not fun getting drunk, Bruce says it is. Okay. Cool guys. Then Joe sarcastically said it makes the girls want you and I told him I was having an orgasm just listening to them talk about it. Oh, his mohawk's getting more and more defined. But if his mom sees it she'll make him cut it off. Stacie's leaving tomorrow. I hate her. Ben Affleck's leaving, too. I don't think Fruit is leaving. I hope she doesn't. Maybe I'll play with Alyssa. Tomorrow is a half day of school, I'm so excited! I need some more pyramid spikes.



2000
Morning

I am in Denver. On his birthday, I left! We celebrated on the 21st with a pizza from Guidos and we saw "The Grinch." I got him condoms and I made him a collage describing him. He cried and said it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever given to him. I got up a 5:18 on his birthday to bring him cupcakes. On wednesday night, Barb's wedding took place. I looked hot in my silk dress. It was fun, Katherine, step-third cousin Jeremy and I got so wasted. I puked a lot, too. At the end I was crawling through Sue's hotelroom to get to the toilet. All the kids, Katherine (19), Jeremy (19), Becky (15), Micah (16), and John (12) ran around crazily. I had insane amounts of fun that night. Fun that I don't often have. Discussing sex with everyone, and techno with Jeremy. I thought he was cool, he hugged me and was so nice, when he was drunk. Micah was the Calvin Klein model type, but then I got drunk and we danced. I had so much fun in the smoking room, with the gay couple who was absolutely belligerent. They were cool. Everybody there was cool because we were all incredibly wasted.

I also thought I was cool because Kathering and Jeremy smoked weed and asked if I wanted to. I said no, and tried my hardest to be happy. But I did it last night. I don't know why. I called Kelly to tell him first, but that didn't upset him too much. It was the scariest thing in the world. I took two hits, and it was horrible. Nothing was funny, nothing was fun, nothing was beautiful. I remember honestly thinking that I was going to die. I could feel my heart pumping out of my chest, and into my arms, making them hurt. We were walking around outside and I couldn't figure out what was down or up. I had no idea from which direction I just came, or where I was going. It was so horrible. And I couldn't tell anyone. Kelly called and gave me his calling card number, but I couldn't figure out the numbers correctly, so I never got through. I spent forever in the bathroom, staring at the numbers on the telephone. I would try over and over to dial them, but always I would mix up one of the numbers. Horrible. I was so stoned for the entire night, probably like eight hours. It's not healthy for me to be away from him. I'm so sorry, my love. I made myself try to remember exactly how I felt, so that I wouldn't do it ever again. I don't know what happened. I can't do that anymore, I really really wish I hadn't. 

So now I'm on the plane. I get to see Kelly when I get back. It seems like it's been so long. I know, I only didn't see him yesterday. He has an interview next week with Portland Art Institute, or something. He wants to be a graphic designer. I love him and I want him to be whatever he wants to be. So I want him to go. But I love him. I want him to stay. If he goes, we can't be together. Well, obviously not physically, but at all, I mean, I can't do it. I don't know what I would do, though, if he left in a year. Or nine months. I bet that if we're still happy in love, he won't go, for my sake. Which could be good, or bad, it's hard to say. I want him here in a year. I want him to live in his own house, so I can sleep with him. I am so lucky he hasn't broken up with me, especially after my drug experiences. I am so damn lucky, I hardly know what to do. I honestly cannot picture my life without him. I know that even if he did leave, it's not like I wouldn't want to talk to him every day of my life, and I couldn't be with anyone else. I don't see how I could. I want to be with him forever and ever, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just do all I can. I'm going to try to be the best girlfriend in the world to him. He deserves a good girl and a happy life. And me too. I don't know, I know plenty of things... About plenty of things. About Kelly I know: he's my best friend, he's my favorite thing, he's the only real thing. I WANT to be with him forever; I doubt it will happen. I know that I'm in love. I'm happy because of him. My future: I want to travel, I want to take Kelly with me. I want to dance to techno in Europe. I want to live in NY with Kelly. And I love him. and I hate babies. They are stupid. My life is boring. no I'm not going to say wah! I'm not Britta.

2002

Tonight is Thanksgiving Dinner, girls-style. That means Pauline can invite people like Chris and Alex, right? That means... No. I don't like Pauline. Yeah yeah, we already have made this clear, I believe.

So last night I went with Jean, Wendie, Erica, Yvonne, Ruby, and Pilar to this party. I love Wendie & Jean of course. Erica was crazy all night because she was obsessively worried about her ex hitting on me. Erica's ex is this fat 31-year-old weird loser. I wasn't sure if he was hitting on me. He got very close to me and told a long, uninteresting story to which I nodded and shook my head and feigned excitement. He poked my stomach once & grabbed my side and was just too close. It wasn't until Erica claimed aloud that he wanted to fuck me that I got creeped out. He was creepy alone, but the creepier thing was Erica's paranoia that he was hitting on me. Then the three of us (Wendie, Jean & I) had to fight off all the old guys there. There was so much delicious food, though, and everyone smoked us out, which was cool. It was such a strange place. Damn. Time to cook!

2004

flying higher than all the clouds could be. Next to Erwin. He's reading Triton. Scifi in fedora and gold old man shirt with blue striped knit sweater reminiscent of the early nineties. There are a few androgenes here on flight 710 to SLC.

Right now Alana's driving to Wyoming. She should be on hour 8 or so. Maybe she's in Nebraska. She's visiting her ex-step-mom and step siblings. She's in love with Craig. They're basically married, with a nice and colorful Ikea/print inspired apartment. His band is called the Rories, named after the adorable prepschool attending Rory from the WB's hit show, Gilmore Girls. Bryttni's suburban hipster boyfriend Brian is also in a band that was, I think, named after some stupid show on TV nights.

Boyfriends and Girlfriends are ridiculous. They make stupid faces and watch idiotic television. They keep each other up nights when one of them is being this irritating combination of stupid faces and idiotic TV. Both lead to mindless humor. Which in turn becomes humorless minds. What's left?

Being in a relationship is like watching a lot of TV. Especially when the couple gets together everyday. It doesn't matter if the time differs; it's all occurring within a designated and repeated timeslot. It's always PrimeTime. And then it's mindless repetition. Enslaved. Possessive relationships. Who am I to speculate? Of course to some extent it relates to me, though I like to see myself as Exempt. Shouldn't I be, if I'm "so smart"? Nope. All of these smart girls turned into butter, melting rapidly. Then they drip all over their boyfriends, they crave a seeping into their pores. Becoming. Enveloping. Britta  & Chris, Molly & Kelly, Kari & Sam, Bryttni & Thad, Stacie & Jarrett, Bryttni & Brian, Jean & Tom, Molly & Erwin, Alana & Craig, Jean & David, Britta &... what the fuck is his name, starts with an "N", oh well, doesn't matter... Oh, and Molly & Brian, can't forget him, in all his adorableness.
all the fussy babies

2007

Brooklyn, 2:08 am

Not going to do these things:
call Ben; erase things about being best friends with him or with jason, (because it wouldn’t happen) as we all know again withOOUT semicolon for we all know best what we all know best I’m sure. Which of course in that reference tingle tinglegooseberry.

I’d give jason two seconds! A half more, even. Sorry to saY, as long as he has it in him not to listen we’ll not go far. The moon looks very very big & bright tonight. Even bigger tomorrow I presume. You luscious tendency. A glowing set of lights. Sexy sexy sexy and so far away! On own planets I shouldn’t hesitate to say! Beauty remains unperturbed. A falseness destroys us none. I love every minute, every sprinkle second even when invented or assumed! And just like that, across the hall from me now Andrew on his bed topless laptop glasses shine blue light bedroom shadows. Welcome home, roomy!! I killed a roach with all my might maybe and did it for us. You or you on me. A treat.