1998
Joe gave me a CD called CINEMA BEER NUTS. I like it. There's a song I'm hearing now that I like, but it would sound better if there weren't any horns.
Today was pretty good. It was a half day and I didn't have to do any work. After school I went with Joe & TJ to Stinker and Joe & I got three hotdogs each. 3 for $1, can't beat that. I was feeling really left out and out of place because they're really good friends and they know each other and they have inside jokes, so I was just sitting there eating my hotdogs. As we were leaving, TJ pushed me off the table. This guy whose nametag read "Terrell" told him not to hit a girl "It's against nature." He then told me if TJ ever raised a hand to me to come tell him, or if he wasn't around, to tell a skinny black kid without a shirt named Rex who'll turn TJ's hair the same color as Joe's. So I'm sure TJ is very scared now. At TJ's house I got happier when we wrestled in his room and I pummeled Joe numerous times. The whole time I told them I was going to tell Terrell. Joe left at 3:00 and then TJ & I went to Albertson's to get some Nog. He also bought be a gummy watch. You charge it by licking it. Then we built sentences on his fridge with magnets. I made one that said "she let him in from behind." It was very cool. Oh, and some porn on the internet. Oh, and once we were at TJ's, Joe was treating me pretty much like he treats Britta. I guess since she wasn't around, I was his first choice. I understand. I hope he knows I'm not falling for it. He can just sit on my beef and spin. Oh, and TJ actually complemented me on my "punk rock" sweatshirt. Joe made fun of it. I guess some people are nice.
Stacie left today, Ben left today, Fruit's cousins are here, my only friend to play with is Becky. You never know, maybe someday I'll call the punk rockers to see what they're doing. Yeah right.
I don't like Voodoo Glow Skulls. I watched Maury Povich yesterday and there was this fat slut who made pornos and sold them on the black market. Just like me.
So Joe swears he's not trying to get a mohawk. I say uhhuh, sure you're not (poser). Okay AFI is annoying and cute. Oh and I saw Sabina at the grocery store. That made my day in a major way. Sometime I want to do something with just Joe. It wasn't even better with TJ there, it was worse cuz when a whole bunch of us went downtown at least I had TJ to talk to. When it's an even number it's good. I'm still glad Stacie wasn't there, though, cuz she would have had the most boring time. I was even going to leave right after we got to TJ's but my dad never called so I ended up staying and having a good time. I had fun with just TJ today, and for those rare moments when Joe & I were alone and he talked to me. Sometime I want it to be just us so we can talk. And it won't work if it's like Joe, TJ, & Bruce & me. I wish I was closer to them, but I guess I'm getting there. I wish I had some patches for all the bands I like. But I'm sure whatever I manage I'll get my ass made fun of. Ben gets back Saturday night, we're going to do something Sunday.
I'm more punk than you
Did you know that NOFX = No Fucking sXe?
And Anti-Flag & such are straight edge? I'm extremely diverse and practice punk rock tolerance.
2002
"And now there is a naked woman and abstract eggs tattooed on me." Same note, different day. Only today the henna is gone and I am left with only but a memory, and the idea that a toaster would be something as a tattoo.
How long till insanity kicks in... not too. I've consumed, thus far into 4:24 pm, one grande mint mocha, one coffee... well, I'm sill working on the coffee. Oh, and two hits of pot. I got pictures developed, none of Brando Demando turned out. At least now I have some of Jason. Thank god.
Last night I went with Livia, Jean, and these two guys Humden (or something, who knows) and Brandon (sort of a Brandon/Ron scenario) to a bar, my first Chicago bar, my first American bar. And what better way to celebrate than with three girls dressed in red, white & blue drinking American brand beer on Punk Rock Monday? Yes. As Livia was telling me how she met Humden, she said she couldn't understand him when he said his name, or anything else he said, for that matter. She was right. We asked him to repeat it a couple of times, and couldn't be sure if it was Humden, Camden, Cameron, etc. etc. It was fun. I like Livia. I went off to Brandon about love and sex and sex with love and sex with certain amounts or kinds of love. Man, I miss seeing Ron.
I came back and sort of embarrassed myself in front of Nick by trying to kiss him, well I did kiss him but I was just being dumb and trying to get him to let me spend the night. Yea, we'd both be Hamlet, I know, I'm sure. Whoa are we. It seems (seems? I know not seems) that we are alike in the whole don't touch me, touch me, I'm a hobbit now, I'm a socialite kind of thing. He wasn't into it, I was, who knows. I feel like we're not going to hook up again. I guess I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm interested, but not in making a fool of myself or fooling myself. Either way I'd be a fool, and I'm unwilling to be a fool.
Tomorrow I go home, to Boise. BOISE! God, and Thanksgiving, and friends, kitty, family, room, driving, les bois! les bois!
Kill me... It's later. I've had about enough of all the people in my room. It's three boys now. And they make my room reek. And it has to be dark in there because they always have to watch movies. I wish someone would come here and wisk (whisk?) me away... it isn't happening. When will I give up and go to sleep? When I can just no longer handle the wait and the sad, lonely, uncomfortable unfriendly hallway. Well- the last night of it, Thank God. Then I can go sit in room and listen to mixed CDs or drive Dad's car and listen to mixed CDs. I just can't wait to go home, I guess. BORING i'm boring. And Bored. And stoned... well, sort of coming down now, i guess. o if only... GOD I wish Jean was here, even here here here here
2003
And no to finishing my photo project, no once again. It's really fucking lucky me. I'm going home to clean my room or so I say and to kill some time before I go to the airport to travel for hours probably to only have a delay that will keep me from arriving in boise indefinitely. I'm so cute that I disgust myself. But at least I'll have a few days of Tim. He called last night and misses me a lot and will be waiting by the phone for my call. I wish that he'd pick me up from the airport and we'd drive to McCall and Sun Valley and then he'd drop me off at the airport to come home. If only. Or better yet I'd not return to Chicago for ages. I love Steve and I'm sad that I didn't get to hang out with him yesterday like I wanted to and I'm sad that I didn't see him today smoking a cigarette behind the columbus building like I wanted. I'm very glad to be going home and to be seeing Tim whom I love especially. I think maybe I could turn Steve into my Tim equivalent. And I can't be sad about my love for Steve as it is the best way for it to be. With us as a couple it would be amazing but I'd probably be stressed and worried all the time. This way I can see him Monday in photo and we'll discuss our trips home and we'll be very glad to see one another. How could I possibly be sad right now? You should see this blue and the shine. It feels like the sun has just risen and it's already beginning to get dark. A smog hangs over the eastern part of the city. It's a sweet smog for smog. Lavender and soft and gentle. I am the most romantic person I know. And I scream logic. If I were to sing I'd sing it logic. I should stop smoking cigarettes and eat more protein and drink all this juice. And everyone needs to forget who they love or used to love or have or used to have and notice that I'm here right now. You could touch me that's how here I am. You could even caress me if you're so inclined.
Welcome jet service denver doors armed verified ensure seatbelts in upright & lock buckleup for pushback DirecTV will remain on pause direct attention to flight partner Jen our aircraft is equipped with three hot women who want to fuck you repeatedly. Please take a moment to keep in mind how easy it is to hug us tightly to your chest. Suck normally through tube adjust yourself before assisting anyone at all. Please smoke only after sex and federal laws prohibit anything but a complementary review of DirecTV who accept cash or credit all 175 channels are on the plane to rest your arms. All this is for you to rest to relax and to be as comfortable as possible. We know how hard you work and how difficult things are for you now, how all you could possibly ask for is a comfortable chair and a breeze to blow away anything unfresh. We want to envelop you in comfort because you deserve a break, a chance to relax, to watch trading spaces and smile in happy illusive contentedness. All clouds imagined before will disappear and you will have nothing- imagine this- nothing about which to fret. Think that you will have nothing about which to think- clarity- a freeness of mind- just sit upright with your belt on low and tight against your hip and breathe normally. Allow the comforting sounds of actors and men whose job it is to share things they know with you; they are here to help you make your life better. Relax to their croons and only adjust the reading light above your head whose button is disguised as a lightbulb only if you must, but please try to allow the small 5 x 6 screen ahead of you to shine the only light necessary for the situation... feel good. You should. Go ahead, indulge: you deserve it. And have a pleasant flight, PLEASE. for the love of god!!!
All that is romantic and everything that is most definitely not, forward backward Anti and Pro all the way lonely and alone social and completely content with aloneness. I make up words and use them because I don't live in any kind of legitimate language world.
The most important thing is to live by and for me myself and to do everything to get everything out of me when it has to go. All this is release after release and trying to find contentedness in letting go of the inside buildup. Ultra romance and ultra distaste for nearly everything.
Irritation guides most things. I tend to get put in an irritated state just for the joys irritation brings me- influence and inspiration. And satisfaction in disgust. Who knows how this relates to why I am. And what I do.
