1998 3:12 pm
Today sucked like shit sucks. I cried in the bathroom during 7th period because I hate Joe because he was a jerk today. He got himself a really cool "mohawk." So I can't help it if it's funny to me. So now he's a jerk, and he can just sit on my beef and spin me a river. Fucker. His hair is really funny, though. I did my speech today. I was really nervous about it, but I think I did pretty well. And I got two cookies. In math I was pissed cuz I forgot my homework and it wasn't completed. In photography I got lots of bad grades. I hate school.
the casualties
I am 18 and a half today. Aw.
So I had a good night last night: I hung around with Jean, CJ, Livia, and Nick mostly. I got pretty drunk from Vodka and Hawaiian Punch and the classic Icehouse. Jean got drunk and passed out early, while I hung out with the rest. Then Nick and I were going to have sex, so we went up to get a condom. As we were trying desperately to work the condom machine, in walks Amanda and she shuts the door again really quickly. That was funny in itself, and more funny once Nick told me that she was the girl he had slept with earlier. Yeah, my neighbor, alright. So there's that. But the sex was fun and enjoyable and I had a nice sleep afterward and woke up at 3:30. But of course, I woke up much earlier than that to throw up, and my stomach was killing me. So then I came to my room only to break Princess Symphony... yes, Princess Symphony is no more. Sad. Well... I feel good. I feel happy. I really enjoyed our sex. It was nice. Mmm, we should do that again. I'm glad that we did. And hopefully we'll continue to. I'm sure that we will because we both like each other, and I think we have the same views on not sleeping with more than one person at a time.
2003
Sitting in a photo critique, looking over at Steve whose "mousy brown" roots are showing. He and I are friends. We drove on Thursday at about 10 to Indianapolis where we turned around to return to Chicago with reluctance.
Coffee was great, Steve was in a good mood and happy to be hanging around me. We talked and got along and went to his house and he pushed his bike while tiny people had sex in his bag even though he didn't order sour cream and I kicked leaves while talking about Anarchy. Then we got in his Rav 4 and were off. We listened to the same music over and over. He told me that everything I did and said was genuine and that made him feel good. That's why he wants to keep me around and doesn't want to lose me as a friend. And it made me cry. Because it was genuine. We talked a lot about that kind of stuff but it doesn't really matter now that I'm out of class and have hung out with him once more. So the drive was awesome, it was all caffeine pills and music and so many stars in the sky. I drove right before the sun began to rise, and I drove into this huge and shining city under purple and pink sky. Amazing. And we hugged goodbye and we both had an equally good time and I was happy after that.
So today we got out of class at noon, so Steve and I went to the American Girl Place, fucking awesome as to be expected. We took some photos and laughed at the men sitting sullenly on the benches and shared knowing looks with the men who were caught alone pushing a stroller in the Bitty Baby section. And then we went to Marshall Fields, as Steve wanted to be in a place built to control people's feelings, but first I needed some magazines so we went to Borders and sat in the cafe and I read about What Not To Wear and we stole a lot of magazines and then I got some mittens. Then to Hole Foods where we ate matching green burritos and naked juice. We both had identical moments of looking at our green burritos and agreeing that stolen food tases much better, especially when you're eating it right where you stole it. De-fucking-licious. We have these jinx moments a lot. Even say the word after going through the subway gates. Love Steve. Can't help it but to. He said he wanted to hang out with me yesterday. All that tells me is things are definitely going in a good direction. And to call him when I find my phone. Man, he's so fucking great. I like how this is going, so far it's actually retaining itself quite perfectly.
So on Friday there was supposedly this party and Nick and CJ came! Yes! But mostly Nick as he was of course Nick and amazing at it. He spent most of the time with me, I think, except for all the times I went to smoke withAlex & Mik & Melinda & Erica. So Nick... he always would sit as closely to me as possible and we would always be touching and a hug goodbye and a hand on my back and just... ah he made my night good. I like Nick a lot and I'd really love it if I could have him more which he told me he'd love, too and if I could just I would make sure that we'd be close. If I could just get Nick now to be friends with me and I could get my balls, no I actually have plenty of balls when it comes to the matter but if I only just could or it felt right to call up Nate and be friends with him again too then I would feel like I didn't miss out on all these people that I never wanted to miss out on in the first place. Wouldn't it be so fucking great at all? I forgot to call Nick on his birthday. He's 21 now.
Coffee was great, Steve was in a good mood and happy to be hanging around me. We talked and got along and went to his house and he pushed his bike while tiny people had sex in his bag even though he didn't order sour cream and I kicked leaves while talking about Anarchy. Then we got in his Rav 4 and were off. We listened to the same music over and over. He told me that everything I did and said was genuine and that made him feel good. That's why he wants to keep me around and doesn't want to lose me as a friend. And it made me cry. Because it was genuine. We talked a lot about that kind of stuff but it doesn't really matter now that I'm out of class and have hung out with him once more. So the drive was awesome, it was all caffeine pills and music and so many stars in the sky. I drove right before the sun began to rise, and I drove into this huge and shining city under purple and pink sky. Amazing. And we hugged goodbye and we both had an equally good time and I was happy after that.
So today we got out of class at noon, so Steve and I went to the American Girl Place, fucking awesome as to be expected. We took some photos and laughed at the men sitting sullenly on the benches and shared knowing looks with the men who were caught alone pushing a stroller in the Bitty Baby section. And then we went to Marshall Fields, as Steve wanted to be in a place built to control people's feelings, but first I needed some magazines so we went to Borders and sat in the cafe and I read about What Not To Wear and we stole a lot of magazines and then I got some mittens. Then to Hole Foods where we ate matching green burritos and naked juice. We both had identical moments of looking at our green burritos and agreeing that stolen food tases much better, especially when you're eating it right where you stole it. De-fucking-licious. We have these jinx moments a lot. Even say the word after going through the subway gates. Love Steve. Can't help it but to. He said he wanted to hang out with me yesterday. All that tells me is things are definitely going in a good direction. And to call him when I find my phone. Man, he's so fucking great. I like how this is going, so far it's actually retaining itself quite perfectly.
So on Friday there was supposedly this party and Nick and CJ came! Yes! But mostly Nick as he was of course Nick and amazing at it. He spent most of the time with me, I think, except for all the times I went to smoke withAlex & Mik & Melinda & Erica. So Nick... he always would sit as closely to me as possible and we would always be touching and a hug goodbye and a hand on my back and just... ah he made my night good. I like Nick a lot and I'd really love it if I could have him more which he told me he'd love, too and if I could just I would make sure that we'd be close. If I could just get Nick now to be friends with me and I could get my balls, no I actually have plenty of balls when it comes to the matter but if I only just could or it felt right to call up Nate and be friends with him again too then I would feel like I didn't miss out on all these people that I never wanted to miss out on in the first place. Wouldn't it be so fucking great at all? I forgot to call Nick on his birthday. He's 21 now.
Excellance. Excellence.
How can I be fascinated in star.
On the train with Alana and Alex and fifty strangers. Going to Montana with Erwin tomorrow. Kelly's pregnant. Sam might have a baby, too, with 17 year old pregnant girlfriend. Stacie has become the possession of demanding asshole jealous crazy boyfriend from Ontario. Nobody's met Kelly's cowboy prolife boyfriend! Well, I'm sure he's just fantastic.
2007
San Francisco Airport: 7:11 am
San Francisco Airport: 7:11 am
And today I am 23 and ½, drawing nearer and nearer to 24 each little second. The year of the 23… I said it began in 2007. I wonder why I still allow myself to follow that calendar, the calendar year when other calendars prove more true to life and time explanatory sensical. Of course the lunar calendar would then mark tomorrow anew. My period’s just ended; I should have planned my own lunar cycle better. But luckily the moon was bright and huge just this morning over some little lake and it was yellower and yellower as it sunk on the black horizon.
The year of the 23 began maybe in January, but it truly exemplified its importance in April as, I suppose, time progressed toward it, the May 23. I shall wish Mike the Model a happy half birthday as well. I probably should have been more fair to myself by allowing my 23 sexual partners to have been reached by the 24th birthday. If that was the case, I still have only two left… Though, Scott, can’t you fit within a different category entirely?
This is quite lovely, I reek of delicious marijuana stuffed in the underwear. I dropped the sack on the bathroom floor but for only a second and looked to the ceiling in annoyance and said, see this is what happens. The pot has been reeking me up for a few hours now, undoubtedly it bakes on my warm vagina and cooks to delight the senses. I only wonder if anyone else can sense the dankness. I spoke to Eric on the telephone last night which made me miss them. Susie from downstairs who’s returning to chapel hill in carolina. Unfortunate, for we only enjoyed her frostinged presence in the briefest. And Dan, of whom I finally developed pictures, of the fateful night nearing on one year ago when we kissed and attempted something. Adorable. I only hope he moves into the apartment soon. Dan, Rookie of the Year. And Joey was there. Alex was in Boise, is still in Boise, but we didn’t see one another. Instead we talked briefly on the phone and it felt like we’d still been across the country from one another for years before seeing each other in Boise.
and flying 3:20 pm…
How is it I’ve planned to arrive just a solemn hour before having to be at work? That is, my already delayed flight arrives only 45 minutes before worktime. There is no way, not a chance. I suppose I have to take a cab, then, from jfk to stonehome. Pulling a large suitcase and large duffelbag, only 55.5 pounds in total. I know how to take care in Idaho. And that pot keeps falling out of my underwear and I keep whiffing it excitedly. I suppose that’s what has to happen: I don’t want to spend $50! I thought of taking the train home then hiring a car but that’s hours later. I’ll be late either way, I plan to convince Dave the barback to come in a little early to hostess for me… how I hate to hostess! How did I plan this? Did I realize I’d spend my night’s money earned on carrides to not be late? I hate myself and pray for death.
Boise. Boise was fresh and freezing. A highlight was smoking a spliff on a fence on a hill all dark with tips of plants yellow white. Sunset turning pink to red, a pat benetar tape on the walkman. Just me in new brown leather jacket recently acquired from savers. Later I went to Kelly’s. When I arrived he was passed out, open-mouthed, on a chair. It was difficult to awaken him, and when I did all he could say was “what.” A few times. Then he got up and gave me a hug (he’s so tall!) and apologized. Then sold me pot and talked about how he did so much coke for six months and at least 500 pills of ecstasy. And then he began to puke so I ducked out of there and over to Herb’s. Too bad I was too stoned already and still rolled a joint and we both withdrew and went inside of ourselves. I felt awkward as awkward to feel and we apologized a lot but tried to keep it going. Eventually it was goodbye and over, though still I must have left him with some kind of impression… I think somehow he remembered a lot from me when I was here before. And next christmas, though my crush on him is not harsh and severe and I might go so far to say that it nonexists, we’ll try to have one more evening to catch up. Though we’ll never be able to start anything with one another. Oh, oh. The possibilities of your awesomeness? No, but I think he’s a kind kind person, and an adventurer at heart.
It was such a short trip and Boise is banal. I walked into my room and felt like it was so perfect that I’d like to live in it. I wanted the little comfortable bed with a lamp built in, and warmth, and things all dusted off and lined up. Because now they’re threatening to destroy the artifact… to tear it apart and to clean it, painting walls, replacing carpets… over my dead body indeed!
On this 23rd I’d like just to go to Bushwick and into my nice bedroom where I put all my new things away. And I’d call Ben (the boy called on Wednesday, asking if I’d like to hang out) and demand that he come over to celebrate the delicious pot. California. Just the two of us, and if it isn’t too much trouble, can’t we just sleep and spoon?
2010
2010
I know what day it is. 26 & a half. No one
has any good ideas. I can fit into my old pants. The ones from London, the ones
I wore constantly. Can’t find Hunger, but in determination to read or finish Shea’s literature I
began We Have Always Lived In The Castle. You know, the one Shea told me, as a parting statement, that
will blow my mind. There is beautiful snow everywhere and a beautiful sky.
Tonight I will walk again, or maybe this afternoon. I built for myself an
old-fashioned diary. Going to try my hand at trying my hand once more. But the
theraflu, my mind is over.
I
called Shea because I want pool & pitchers. I gladly left a message, and he
called back, happy voiced. I know, I know: he simply forgot about me. Blew me
off & brushed me away. And just my call reminded him that we can be
friends. I doubt he ever would have remembered. But now I know my feelings a
little better; there isn’t a fear of my wanting him at all. I am glad we’ll
hang out, but a crush on him I’ll no longer have. He isn’t for me; he is so so
very far away from being for me.
