1995
I just discovered I like Tom. He is nice to me when we're not in school. I saw him on Wednesday and I hung out with him and Ryno (yuk). I found underwear that looked like Tiff's. Tom & Ryno had doritos which they chewed up, then spit on the underwear. Gross! The day after I asked Tiff: not hers. They were all over school that day.
1998: 3:12 pm
I had a very good day. I didn't talk to Joe at all in 1st period. I had fun in photography. Joe drew me a picture and made me a bracelet out of black electrical tape. It was fun. He even told me I could go Trick-or-Treating with him and he told Bruce that I was. In math I "worked" with them. Yeah, I got a whole lot of work done. Bruce even asked if I wanted to go with him and TJ to Albertsons to rip off candy. Cool. He still has my lesbian book and I'm really hoping he brings it back to me. I had a lot of fun just being with Bruce & Joe. I really wish I was better friends with them. I should be happy that I get to hang out with them in those two classes. Next semester I will have no classes with Joe. That sucks, but I'm sure I will be over him by then. At least I hope I will. Oh, it's FANatic and this guy is totally in love with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Okay, cool guy. And a girl who is obsessed with Boyz II Men. Okay, cool. These people have really great stuff, uh, obsessions, if you will.
2000
Memories... crowd the shady corners of my mind.
Megan knows that Dan liked me. No, he confessed his love for me to her. Aw. And she's not even mad; she doesn't hate me. I want Tim & Stacie to hook up, but apparently he likes Dominique. Oh well. I love Stacie. She's one of my favorites. I want her to be happy and satisfied. Like I! She reminds me of how I used to be, all quietly depressed and drinking. When I used to do drugs. I love her, though. Today after Kelly we're going to do a chick thing, like go to the mall or something. I gave Scott $200 today, shit! Of course, it was my mommy's money, so. Let's just hope she doesn't expect to see it anytime soon! I'm happy it's the weekend. Weekends are exciting. I hope I hope I get hired at Hastings. But of course I will, I will! TCBY sucks, two weeks, $47 dollars. Sucks.
I called Scott last night. I think it was because I had a guilt trip. Kelly brought up how strongly Scott must have felt about me in order to take the blame and accept responsibility for my destroying his garage. That was so great of him, I just feel like I owe him so much (besides $300). But, he says he is all happy this year; he was holding hands with Amanda earlier today, and he has his new hippie/goth girl and everything. I guess I've been replaced; I fear I can no longer be the love of his life... I can get over it. He seems different, though; he dresses completely goth now (paints his nails black, even). And death-buttrock by the Sadistic Masochist Mothers and such. Deranged Souls? I don't know, but it scares the shit out of me, that's for certain. Oh well, I suppose that's Scottie for you. Or me.
Beautiful
Life is. I don't care what you say. School is extremely boring, but do I really want to go to Capital? It won't be any better there, and it will be worse because I will be new and have to drive far and get up in the morning. And I like Stacie more than Brittany right now. Oh well, I'll take what I get and won't get what I take.
My cousin Becky ignores me at school. I guess it may be because I'm this dumb loser of a junior; if I was a cool one maybe she'd recognize my existence. She does beat me up and glare at me however, so... I guess that's that. She has more bracelets than I! Die! Kari and Sam are happy. I like Sam, he's being really nice to me. We have fun together. They have sex a lot, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Stacie is great. She's my bf and the nicest girl I know. I want her to be happy. She shouldn't worry. All she needs is some wacky weed to help her put on her happy face.
2002
I was up till 6:30, then I hurriedly got out of bed to run and return the video camera from which I got nothing useful. But I'm not sad. I know that this week I need to do a lot of work. And I got my period, which is good and bad. For one thing, why is it 5 days early? I don't know. No worries about THAT. Next week I can get checked. Why did I tell Chris that? I felt like I had to. But really, it's none of his business. It doesn't matter that I've slept with someone else, or that I didn't use protection. It only means he knows YET ANOTHER personal detail about me. Now he's all over Laura. Right in front of me! Have some fucking respect. It's in bad taste. He knows I'm sitting right there, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if a couple of days ago I was in bed with him, nearly having sex with him, as he's telling me he likes me. I wouldn't have flirted or touched Jason with him there. I have tact. Asshole.
Chai is totally better cold, Jason was right. For some reason I had to see him. All was going well. I was going to hide in my room all week. I still can. I know eventually I'll find a boy who likes me, but until then I'd like to have sex. I like sex. And I can only have sex with him. I was thinking how I should have just slept with Chris, and be sleeping with him. He would have liked it. But then Laura has to get in the way, and now I'm just pissed & annoyed at him. I saw him and was rude purposefully, because it annoys me. And Jason was weird to me. Just because he's an asshole- oh, and my bright passion fruit hair... what's up with that? He's probably so unattracted to that. He's such a snob, why should I care anyway? Because I like sex a lot. I'd rather do it with Chris, because at least Chris likes foreplay. And Chris went down on me. He works for it. He's better. But Jason's so hot and sexy and I like sex with him.What am I saying, why even talk about this. I'm not in the position to have sex, remember? I'm going to be a menstruating hobbit all week, and that's a good thing. Unless something strange happens, by the time I'm off the rag I will saunter over there and try to get laid. I'm sure I'll be dying for it by then. Then we can take the tape up to the media room and watch it and fuck on the table and not care who's watching because it feels SO GOOD. Oh yes, it's totally going to happen like that. There's no reason why we shouldn't have sex anymore, it's as simple as that. Isn't college funny? The only way to watch the video of us having sex, we have to go to the media room. Ah, college. Damnit, I shouldn't have agreed to that. I'll get all nervous that we're on film, and he'll probably do something idiotic like slap my ass repeatedly, saying, "Ya like that? Huh?" Oh... okay. Or, "How good does it feel? How good do I make you feel?" And then of course I'd have to watch it. And he'd be in possession of it for life. And it would be a horrible porno. We don't need to. Maybe he'll just forget, or I'll politely decline. He seems to always know when I'm staying, so he'll probably prepare ahead of time. Let's just keep it between us, Jason...
I found a cute beanie in the movie theater.
2003
I walk around everyday and then I stand around always because I'm waiting for someone. I always pretend that I'm waiting for someone even though I never am. I could think of plenty of things to say but I won't because there isn't any need. Indifference is key. Iff you want nothing. Indifference brings nothing and you ask for nothing and indefinitely receive nothing. It is not key. Key to not wanting anything and getting that, but if you want to live a life where you get things, where you win, it's not key. It measures nothing. What if, though I'd like to claim indifference, this claim is what's keeping my happiness from me. What if instead of wanting indifference I behaved the opposite. My guess is that sometimes it would work, and sometimes I'd fail.
It's so amazing, nearing upon 28 degrees and windy as a motherfucker. Harsh light shines down my left side and my hair and scarf and other numerous willowy things are whipping around my face and neck. I am an angelic vision; soft & pink & silky & paisleylike. I'm more like a little pink flower blossom, I think. I just saw Joe's exwife. They look so alike, how can they possibly be divorced. Divorced at twenty-one, is that not a thought. My hair is in rats. I wished I could capture the light and an old man took a picture and did it for me. I'm a hungry girl. How could I not be, all by myself. Look at me, I'm made from silk.
