1999, 3:16 pm
On Friday absolutely everyone made a comment on my hair. After school I went downtown with Britta. I got a black gothic Doc Martens shirt with velvet, and a Jazzie B button and a magnet that says, "He's cute, but can he type?" for Nichole. Then I went to Bryttni's house and we went skating to Northgate and I met Bryttni's cute friend Steve and another skater boy. Nice. On Saturday we rode the bus all over town and went to Stacie's. Then we basically did nothing but I did see a TJ Moore who was very cute and was wearing Backstreet Boys buttons. He had to leave though so he could "smoke some reefer." That's cool. We went and did retarded stuff at 11. We walked down Raindrop Dr. and saw the Hanson Lesbians through the window. We also went to sweetheart Matt's house and set out his pine cones. Then we went to Jack in the Box. Good times. I stole a tray. It was an overall boring weekend, but I miss TJ so much!
2000, 9:36 pm
I am infatuated with Kelly. He is extremely ugly. He is the hottest man in the world.
That was a lie, Kelly wrote it. He got inside my head and told me to.
Today Kelly came over, and I almost kissed him! Seriously. Do I usually just almost kiss people? I think not. I had my birthday list visible (the one where I appear to be "matched up" with Swanson) and I took it from him because I didn't want him to see it. We wrestled for a good half hour. I of course won, but not before wanting, considering, kissing him. Almost did. I don't know if I like him, or what... I can tell he likes me. I feel glad that I didn't, however. It could have seriously fucked something up. I think it's important to keep things as they are. I'm thinking nothing will happen with Swanson, I probably won't see him again, anyway. I have a feeling Kelly will avoid putting me in situations where we'll be near one another. It's too bad that I won't be getting to know him. Kelly always talks about the Bitch Master, and he tells me how Swanson thinks she's hot and likes her, and he tells me Swanson is a giant loser, and he makes him look really unattractive to me. Well fuck. I kind of like Kelly, I just think the Bryttni/April thing is a bad idea. And he's almost like Tim is to me (excluding the fact that Tim hates me at the moment), even though I've known him for only nine days. I really trust him and think he's cool, just... it's a bad idea. I wondered what would happen had I kissed him, and at the time I thought, nothing, but now I'm glad... A part of me wants to like Swanson. ? What the fuck is my problem? Kelly's perfect. He just called me. He says he doesn't have a crush on me. But I know better.
2003
Attempting desperately to finish the fucking brown diary. In any case, I am sitting in Stacie's 2002 silver car (complete with Hawaiian hula dancer and tropical hibiscus flower sticker) and all I can smell is Wild Turkey and Vanilla. We are on the road to Carey, oh fun fun.
Hours later- In Carey watching the original Nightmare On Elm Street. Ah, Johnny Depp.
2005
Mottos for the day:
"Don't become so attached to a poem you forget truth that lacks lyricism." - JN
"Get rhythm when you get the blues." - JC
I heart JC
Ah. It's a silvery morning hinting at summertime. Actually, it radiates spring but we've all been seeing the blossoms and the leaves for some time now, and it's no longer special. We are in an eternal state of inbetweenness.
I'm on my way to work. By work I mean internship, set production for "Up on a Rope." We shall see. I know very little about it. But I am excited, thrilled to have to get up on such a beautiful morning, to do something else. I guess since Summer Break has started I have been doing something else, or other things. This weekend, particularly.
Last night after my rant about beer consumption, earmuffed I rode to Alex's barbecue. There were a lot of people there, surprisingly, including all the old favorites. Charlie and I may have touched knees and shared cigarettes. I felt the drunken, sentimental urge to tell Jean and David "how much I like Charlie." I slapped myself internally, and, dewy eyed, decided not to overreact. To simply "let things be as they are." Internal dialog: What, you want to spend every night together? No, because that inevitably leaves for sickness. We crave space, humans. Therefore it could be that we sleep together every night. And that's too easy. Let us return to the quotation from Joanna Newsom's song, "en gallop." Now, isn't this the truest? Do not I want to live my life by such guidelines? I should think so. Naturally I am captivated by his 19 year old lustfulness. His boyish good looks and large bones. But submerged? Hardly. I think it's mostly that I'd like to be involved like Jean and David are, and it makes sense, as we're always hanging out together, and he's active. He DOES things; basically, everything is a comparison to that which has most recently stood as my constant relationship. Most looks perfect in comparison. Tiny details that change. The whole thing makes me feel indulgent. Do I have self-esteem issues? I'm feeling slightly nauseated.
Well, realistically, my self-loathing, neurotic craziness probably hasn't come to the point of abhorrence. Emotions and stress run high.
It's difficult for me to rationalize my emotions. I'm asking myself questions that I can't decide if I know the answer to already. For the moment it's as if I can't exist independently of a boy. Just to always have someone. But abundance spoils fast. It ruins the emptiness. It causes us to sink back into meaningless nothingness, attention deficit disorder, mindless wandering, self obsession/belittlement, and behavior that is just not productive. These, plus pot- no, boy + boy + boy all kissing me and wanting me + pot = overabundance. Now take away the boys and instead of celebrating any memory or any life I get sucked into an oblivion of neediness and loneliness. Where are they? Are they gone? Where did they go! Come back! I have nothing to do. Alas... can I not simply thrive in singleness? Maybe I don't want to be single because I don't want to go on dates and I don't want to hook up. I want to be satisfied and fine with sex & luv. And I didn't want to hook up, exactly, should have held off until I really wanted it. Because now in retrospect the whole thing's just entirely too dreamy. I could list pages of "what's so great." But I don't want to, because it will depress me as I think, well, it doesn't matter because he doesn't want me. Every one else wants him so there, he can be happy with everyone else. Rebound successful. Move away. I'm not willing to look anywhere else. Charlie's fine enough, and if he's not interested than I don't care, I only need to embrace my Erwinlessness and the fact that I'll never date in my life. Can't we just be friends... who wants the rest anyway. It's all fleeting. FUCK! me (please?) GOAL: Grow up by next week. No more 20 year old stuffz. Trying to make some emotions rational... Doesn't work, does it? Well, I haven't felt this emotionally imprisoned for awhile. The feeling is similar to the aftermath of Steve or the aftermaths of every boy in the dorm or dealing with Nate in general. Completely hopeless. The mind is sucked into one thing and one thing only. But it's not a specific thing, it's an emotion tied to a thing that is a boy who somehow makes my brain envelop and become one with him. But not becoming one in a romantic or sexual sense. De ja vous? Is it possible... Maybe it's the emotional downpour, this torrent of issues with myself stemming this meager insanity? This instability? It's neither hate nor love. It's not really sad, not happy definitely; I'm neither energetic nor fatigued. Lonely, I guess, though being alone isn't so bad to cry for. I'm not close to that. If I do, I shall regress to the 12 year old self with obsessive emotions squashing all reality. Can I just pretend this never happened? We never kissed. If I can forget it, it will be easier on me. Then it's back to hanging out and there's that cute guy again.
I thought maybe I had shed that need to be attached to something. I'm a leach, sucking onto another's simple being, for all my life. Always, only I couldn't see it because for so long Erwin never tried to get rid of me. It was always okay with him that I come and go as I please. For as long as I wanted I could sleep with or cling to my little comfort blanket. And now I've snatched it away and am bare to the cold cruel world. Swaying idly, waiting for my chance to grab hold of something solid. I thought it was gone. I thought I had risen above it. I thought I was an achiever. No just a dreamer a wisher a wanter. A clinger, a leach, a parasite. Even I know how dangerous this self-depreciating talk really is. It isn't true, really. I suppose the truth is that I'd like to like Charlie because then I could possibly be more like Jean & David. A couple. Because he's drastically different from Erwin and isn't different what I'm after? Drastically different, that's always the goal. I want to like him because he does things and is always around. He does things. That's why. And lately I've been most happy in the company of Jean, David, and Charlie, and then I think on top of that I could even POSSIBLY be involved in a relationship POSSIBLY as good, and we're doing things, too, and there won't be depression just bikes and movies and being vegan and going out into the world. And it isn't like that, not at this point, and I've told myself it won't be like that ever because I don't have the feelings or he doesn't or possibly both. I'd rather let go of any need or desire I have to have someone around. Forget Charlie, at least to the point where I see him whenever and we get along fine but rarely speak. Okay. And of course Erwin's out of the picture but I'm entirely self sufficient anyway.
Yes
Well I went to Jean's because she's the most rational person I know and I told her all my woes. Actually just being in her nice-smelling apartment helped significantly.
She told me she knows Charlie really likes me. I feel like I'm 14 again. All I want for my birthday, God, is a new boyfriend...
Though I'm still unsure, it really helped lighten my mood. Actually I felt like all the clouds lifted and I was enveloped in hot hot sun. Maybe there is life after death.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Excited for yet another day. I can move on. Perhaps the six condoms from the health center won't be used in vain. Ah. I'm tired, and naturally.
Natural Disaster
2007
Where 2 begin? There are so many places. Briefly, moments not transcribed:
2008, 1:17 am
straining to differ, quotable phrases
Panayiotis, I have a feeling, could be fun to write around. Karen is out of her mind. All of them are, am I like them, too? Out of hand, ah yes, the great stupid Spontaneity, oh wow, really, no but thoughtless & destructive nonetheless. I might get a crush on this person, a friend of Ben. Either way:
Bensonhurst, malaysia, sky bigger than ever & a moon not to go onmentioned. Open porches. Framing gazes..
Just a thought: I should and won’t. I keep it up. Defacing the love out of life.
It’s just there are too many people around, just too many really too many too many. Her walking nearby tells me we’ll never really be away. I find it fine because I love her,
But then it’s there always. And nothing to worry about… but if I go on my own accord I’ll always stay that way about it. Even now just bringing the toothbrush along as plan of action, in case of.
I think of Panayiotis predicting all. He is attractive and I like his house. His mannerisms are somewhere shy and coquettish, quietly wry and confidently nervously confident. I may or may not like his taste. His history is bleak, bedroom now lived in originally was shared with an ex girlfriend, and who knows when, no one knowing why. Boring. original
I said before his house, he on porch I on sidewalk below the moon, Panayiotis, come to the parties. And he affirmed and something else was exchanged and we smiled stupidly, may have it all, and slithered away. He calling I’ll see you soon, I muttering, dare I say it, k, crossing the grass to the road. Cute
I love you. Don’t let me tell a one otherwise.
