28 november

1995

Today I found out my grade for social studies is an A! Yea!

I like Tom so much! Today I was correcting his paper and he leaned over me while I was talking. It was sooo cool. And I went to the Roosevelt Market today, and purposefully rode my bike in front of him. He saw my bag and walked over to me and asked what was in it. I told him money. I wanted to talk to him, but a car was coming so I had to ride away. He was wearing his vans (cool), purple sweats (yuk!), green turtleneck (cool), anamaniacs tshirt (yuk). His face was red (don't know why). Hair was loose!

1997

Finally... a new diary instead of that old P.O.S. Right now I'm watching My So-Called Life. The best show.

I went to the grocery store and put on some Charlie White perfume. It reeks, though. I get to talk to him today. I hope Cody's not too suicidal for not seeing Kari for 6 days. Pobrecito. Not. I hate Fiona Apple. I'm hungry. Shaq is on TV for pepsi. Pepsi's nasty. Charlie thinks pepsi & coke are the same. I'm hungry. Charlie loves my last name. He remembers it easily because it sounds like "slaughtered." Hmm. I never thought about that before Charlie White. Now we know what he has on his mind 24/7.

I just got off the phone with Charlie! I loved it because I called and talked to his mom for a second, and she said when he got home from he mall he said, "did she call yet? Did she call yet?" Now that's what I like to hear. He's a sweetheart, I'm calling him tomorrow. Then hopefully I'll be seeing him Sunday? Nah, don't count on it. I should probably be paying attention to this movie. Some guy is shrieking, why, I cannot say.

Songs that remind me of Charlie:

#1: "Doin' Time" - Su-Blime

#2: "Burritos" -Su-Blime

#3: "Butterfly" - Mariah Carey

#4: "How Do I Live?" - LeAnn Rimes

I am now watching The Relic again. Charlie would like it.. There are a lot of shots of decapitated people. I mean, a lot. Oh shit the phone's ringing. That scares me! This movie is scary and the lead girl's a loser. The guy that died was smoking a joint. I watched a magic show with sluts in it. It was awesome. Magic!

1998
6:42 pm

Andrew's birthday. On Thursday I cooked and went to Becky's for dinner. The whole family was there including Uncle Juan & Cousin Angie & her fiancee and his 17 year old Jeff and 10 year old Jake. On Friday I woke up early and went with Rose, Skye, Becky, Joxu, Angie, Jim, Jeff, & Jake to the condo. Joxu reminds me of Charlie so much it's scary. He looks like him, dresses like him, acts like him, talks like him, and they live across the street from each other. I really am beginning to miss having a boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend who doesn't go to my school, I don't think. Well, I guess if he drove it would be okay. I don't like that when I was with Jeremiah I never saw him. But then again, no one at my school's even worth going out with. So I can't meet guys anywhere; where would I meet someone I like who actually likes me, too? God I hate this. I'm so jealous of Katherine and Joxu and even Stacie & Ben, even though she doesn't take advantage of their relationship. I wish I had a boyfriend, just so I could see if I could be different somehow. But I bet I'll be really single for the rest of 9th grade. I think it was just luck that I found Charlie when I did. Because now I have no way to meet people, to be introduced to someone. This is okay. Maybe (probably) I'll just go back to my little Joe Obsession. That sucks, I don't need to like him. I need to get out more. If only someone like Ben Affleck or Todd would have some punk rocker friend they could let me have. I'm so sick of complaining. Today yes today I went snowboarding at Brundage and jammed my thumb. It hurts. I'm very done. & bored.

1999

Finally I'm on the plane back to Boise. So... that's funny about how I was talking about Sam. He's a funny guy.

So the bowling thing, that's my big ego talking like seeing Trevor will be that easy. Of course, anyone who truly knows me knows I'm just trying to be cool about he whole thing. So, I'm busy thinking up ways to get over him!

Getting over Trevor, the most exciting thing in the world. So what should I do? The only thing I can come up with that would actually work would be finding a replacement. I can't think of anyone I'd like to go out with, or anyone who would like to go out with me. So unless I begin searching (which is completely stupid, not a way to meet anyone worthwhile), I probably won't find anyone. So that's OOTQ. And that's the only thing I can come up with. Bullshit! Hey, maybe I can come up with an issue of Teen Magazine with "10 Ways To Get Over Him." I'm sure there's an article identical to that in every issue. My friends will never be able to help. Sam thinks it's bullshit that I'm still "hooked on him." After what, 5 months after the "big breakup"? Oh well. It does sound stupid, we were together for a week and then it was completely over, 5 months ago. So I don't think I'll ever bring it up to him again, it was a mistake to in the first place. What was I thinking? Brittany feels bad for me, and Kari has no idea how bad it is. And then she probably compares it to her and KC, which was far more serious. Maybe Stacie can help. She's nice and caring and non-judgmental. I'll ask her for advice. Although I don't need advice, I just need it to work out. I'm so tired of this! Because I would really love to be able to go somewhere where I know I'll see Trevor, and not have to get evil butterflies before I get there, and not be able to look at him, and not have to put on an "I'm so happy to see you!" facade like he does so well. I'd rather it be sincere. He probably feels like he has to pretend to like me. What an ass, I'd rather he didn't. So I think bowling would be fun if I didn't have to do all those things. Or at least if I was completely not into him. And we could hang out at bowling, and that would be the extent of our hanging out. So I'm going to be very impressed with myself if I can pull that off. It's going to be extremely difficult, but if I do it, it will give me one less worry, and that would be a huge relief.

2007

things I’ve done recently, cool or otherwise

Begun to wear tons of slips. Kind of like the urban outfitter years. 
Smoked two packs of unfiltered lucky strikes and do not miss them now that they are gone. 
Spent $80 at savers. This includes a pair of old polyester bootcut ski pants, the kind with the suspenders. And a sick brown leather bomber jacket which makes me look pretty fat when I stuff the pockets. 
Excited for the freezing cold of winter.
 Listened to a lot of Pat Benetar.
 Wore so much purple.
 Kissed two hot girls at once. I may have been groped.
 Played spin the bottle, finally, after 23 years. 
Said "this is not my beautiful life" about 50 times per day. 
Helped 7 others consume 12 bottles of wine.
 Wanted to have consistent sex. 
Bought a tape of Paula Abdul dance remixes.
 Decided never to buy trashy icecream again.

 And just wondering, is this good enough?

26 November

1998

Joe gave me a CD called CINEMA BEER NUTS. I like it. There's a song I'm hearing now that I like, but it would sound better if there weren't any horns.

Today was pretty good. It was a half day and I didn't have to do any work. After school I went with Joe & TJ to Stinker and Joe & I got three hotdogs each. 3 for $1, can't beat that. I was feeling really left out and out of place because they're really good friends and they know each other and they have inside jokes, so I was just sitting there eating my hotdogs. As we were leaving, TJ pushed me off the table. This guy whose nametag read "Terrell" told him not to hit a girl "It's against nature." He then told me if TJ ever raised a hand to me to come tell him, or if he wasn't around, to tell a skinny black kid without a shirt named Rex who'll turn TJ's hair the same color as Joe's. So I'm sure TJ is very scared now. At TJ's house I got happier when we wrestled in his room and I pummeled Joe numerous times. The whole time I told them I was going to tell Terrell. Joe left at 3:00 and then TJ & I went to Albertson's to get some Nog. He also bought be a gummy watch. You charge it by licking it. Then we built sentences on his fridge with magnets. I made one that said "she let him in from behind." It was very cool. Oh, and some porn on the internet. Oh, and once we were at TJ's, Joe was treating me pretty much like he treats Britta. I guess since she wasn't around, I was his first choice. I understand. I hope he knows I'm not falling for it. He can just sit on my beef and spin. Oh, and TJ actually complemented me on my "punk rock" sweatshirt. Joe made fun of it. I guess some people are nice. 

Stacie left today, Ben left today, Fruit's cousins are here, my only friend to play with is Becky. You never know, maybe someday I'll call the punk rockers to see what they're doing. Yeah right. 

I don't like Voodoo Glow Skulls. I watched Maury Povich yesterday and there was this fat slut who made pornos and sold them on the black market. Just like me.

So Joe swears he's not trying to get a mohawk. I say uhhuh, sure you're not (poser). Okay AFI is annoying and cute. Oh and I saw Sabina at the grocery store. That made my day in a major way. Sometime I want to do something with just Joe. It wasn't even better with TJ there, it was worse cuz when a whole bunch of us went downtown at least I had TJ to talk to. When it's an even number it's good. I'm still glad Stacie wasn't there, though, cuz she would have had the most boring time. I was even going to leave right after we got to TJ's but my dad never called so I ended up staying and having a good time. I had fun with just TJ today, and for those rare moments when Joe & I were alone and he talked to me. Sometime I want it to be just us so we can talk. And it won't work if it's like Joe, TJ, & Bruce & me. I wish I was closer to them, but I guess I'm getting there. I wish I had some patches for all the bands I like. But I'm sure whatever I manage I'll get my ass made fun of. Ben gets back Saturday night, we're going to do something Sunday. 

I'm more punk than you

Did you know that NOFX = No Fucking sXe?

And Anti-Flag & such are straight edge? I'm extremely diverse and practice punk rock tolerance.

2002

"And now there is a naked woman and abstract eggs tattooed on me." Same note, different day. Only today the henna is gone and I am left with only but a memory, and the idea that a toaster would be something as a tattoo.

How long till insanity kicks in... not too. I've consumed, thus far into 4:24 pm, one grande mint mocha, one coffee... well, I'm sill working on the coffee. Oh, and two hits of pot. I got pictures developed, none of Brando Demando turned out. At least now I have some of Jason. Thank god.

Last night I went with Livia, Jean, and these two guys Humden (or something, who knows) and Brandon (sort of a Brandon/Ron scenario) to a bar, my first Chicago bar, my first American bar. And what better way to celebrate than with three girls dressed in red, white & blue drinking American brand beer on Punk Rock Monday? Yes. As Livia was telling me how she met Humden, she said she couldn't understand him when he said his name, or anything else he said, for that matter. She was right. We asked him to repeat it a couple of times, and couldn't be sure if it was Humden, Camden, Cameron, etc. etc. It was fun. I like Livia. I went off to Brandon about love and sex and sex with love and sex with certain amounts or kinds of love. Man, I miss seeing Ron. 

I came back and sort of embarrassed myself in front of Nick by trying to kiss him, well I did kiss him but I was just being dumb and trying to get him to let me spend the night. Yea, we'd both be Hamlet, I know, I'm sure. Whoa are we. It seems (seems? I know not seems) that we are alike in the whole don't touch me, touch me, I'm a hobbit now, I'm a socialite kind of thing. He wasn't into it, I was, who knows. I feel like we're not going to hook up again. I guess I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm interested, but not in making a fool of myself or fooling myself. Either way I'd be a fool, and I'm unwilling to be a fool. 

Tomorrow I go home, to Boise. BOISE! God, and Thanksgiving, and friends, kitty, family, room, driving, les bois! les bois! 

Kill me... It's later. I've had about enough of all the people in my room. It's three boys now. And they make my room reek. And it has to be dark in there because they always have to watch movies. I wish someone would come here and wisk (whisk?) me away... it isn't happening. When will I give up and go to sleep? When I can just no longer handle the wait and the sad, lonely, uncomfortable unfriendly hallway. Well- the last night of it, Thank God. Then I can go sit in room and listen to mixed CDs or drive Dad's car and listen to mixed CDs. I just can't wait to go home, I guess.     BORING   i'm boring. And Bored. And stoned... well, sort of coming down now, i guess. o if only... GOD I wish Jean was here, even here here here here

2003

And no to finishing my photo project, no once again. It's really fucking lucky me. I'm going home to clean my room or so I say and to kill some time before I go to the airport to travel for hours probably to only have a delay that will keep me from arriving in boise indefinitely. I'm so cute that I disgust myself. But at least I'll have a few days of Tim. He called last night and misses me a lot and will be waiting by the phone for my call. I wish that he'd pick me up from the airport and we'd drive to McCall and Sun Valley and then he'd drop me off at the airport to come home. If only. Or better yet I'd not return to Chicago for ages. I love Steve and I'm sad that I didn't get to hang out with him yesterday like I wanted to and I'm sad that I didn't see him today smoking a cigarette behind the columbus building like I wanted. I'm very glad to be going home and to be seeing Tim whom I love especially. I think maybe I could turn Steve into my Tim equivalent. And I can't be sad about my love for Steve as it is the best way for it to be. With us as a couple it would be amazing but I'd probably be stressed and worried all the time. This way I can see him Monday in photo and we'll discuss our trips home and we'll be very glad to see one another. How could I possibly be sad right now? You should see this blue and the shine. It feels like the sun has just risen and it's already beginning to get dark. A smog hangs over the eastern part of the city. It's a sweet smog for smog. Lavender and soft and gentle. I am the most romantic person I know. And I scream logic. If I were to sing I'd sing it logic. I should stop smoking cigarettes and eat more protein and drink all this juice. And everyone needs to forget who they love or used to love or have or used to have and notice that I'm here right now. You could touch me that's how here I am. You could even caress me if you're so inclined. 

Welcome jet service denver doors armed verified ensure seatbelts in upright & lock buckleup for pushback   DirecTV will remain on pause direct attention to flight partner Jen our aircraft is equipped with three hot women who want to fuck you repeatedly. Please take a moment to keep in mind how easy it is to hug us tightly to your chest. Suck normally through tube adjust yourself  before assisting anyone at all. Please smoke only after sex and federal laws prohibit anything but a complementary review of DirecTV who accept cash or credit all 175 channels are on the plane to rest your arms. All this is for you to rest to relax and to be as comfortable as possible. We know how hard you work and how difficult things are for you now, how all you could possibly ask for is a comfortable chair and a breeze to blow away anything unfresh. We want to envelop you in comfort because you deserve a break, a chance to relax, to watch trading spaces and smile in happy illusive contentedness. All clouds imagined before will disappear and you will have nothing- imagine this- nothing about which to fret. Think that you will have nothing about which to think- clarity- a freeness of mind- just sit upright with your belt on low and tight against your hip and breathe normally. Allow the comforting sounds of actors and men whose job it is to share things they know with you; they are here to help you make your life better. Relax to their croons and only adjust the reading light above your head whose button is disguised as a lightbulb only if you must, but please try to allow the small 5 x 6 screen ahead of you to shine the only light necessary for the situation... feel good. You should. Go ahead, indulge: you deserve it. And have a pleasant flight, PLEASE. for the love of god!!!

All that is romantic and everything that is most definitely not, forward backward Anti and Pro all the way       lonely and alone       social and completely content with aloneness. I make up words and use them because I don't live in any kind of legitimate language world.    

The most important thing is to live by and for me myself and to do everything to get everything out of me when it has to go. All this is release after release and trying to find contentedness in letting go of the inside buildup. Ultra romance and ultra distaste for nearly everything. 

Irritation guides most things. I tend to get put in an irritated state just for the joys irritation brings me- influence and inspiration. And satisfaction in disgust. Who knows how this relates to why I am. And what I do. 

25 november

2002

I want to fall into my little bed and get under my down comforter and sleep or die or whatever happens. 

Last night I stood in my doorway and ate a brownie and there was John with his pot, and I saw an excuse to go to Nick's room so I went and bought some for Alex and me and watched a cartoon with Jason and Nick and thought only about how I'd like to be kissing Nick's neck and I went to the door and we had a really lovely kiss and I felt ecstatic as I left the 13th floor because everything that had happened just felt so GOOD.

Then I smoked with Alex and we talked about politix, some things I hadn't previously given thought to. I like Alex a lot and I'm so happy to know him.

And now there is a naked woman and abstract eggs tattooed on me.

2007
7:15 pm
get out of my house, kate bush

Ah… a newly cleaned bedroom, enjoyable and sitting on the dark wood floor for no particular reason. I hate carpeting but must have known it already. Everything gold and brown and pale and shades of red. Or green. All soft muted. And tonight going to see Jason Gray dj at artland. Karen should accompany me. So grotesque! Can’t even think.

24 November

1995

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and the day before was Zac's B-Day.

For Thanksgiving Mom and Dan's friends Holly and Harry came. They brought their kids Indiana and Dashiel. Dashiel was sort of a pain, but he was cute. Abby dressed Indie up like a princess and I dressed Dan up like a prince. They were cute! 

Well, I'm excited to see Loren (not) at the sock-hop! (Yeah, right.)

Bye! 

1998
4:45 pm

Hi. Today was just completely boring. I got Anti-Flag back from Stacie, though. And my pyramid-spiked sweatshirt. I decided to SCREW MISTER PUNK ROCK. So when he glared at me I smiled. I guess photography was fun. I got to listen to Joe & Bruce talk about how it is to get wasted. Joe says it's not fun getting drunk, Bruce says it is. Okay. Cool guys. Then Joe sarcastically said it makes the girls want you and I told him I was having an orgasm just listening to them talk about it. Oh, his mohawk's getting more and more defined. But if his mom sees it she'll make him cut it off. Stacie's leaving tomorrow. I hate her. Ben Affleck's leaving, too. I don't think Fruit is leaving. I hope she doesn't. Maybe I'll play with Alyssa. Tomorrow is a half day of school, I'm so excited! I need some more pyramid spikes.



2000
Morning

I am in Denver. On his birthday, I left! We celebrated on the 21st with a pizza from Guidos and we saw "The Grinch." I got him condoms and I made him a collage describing him. He cried and said it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever given to him. I got up a 5:18 on his birthday to bring him cupcakes. On wednesday night, Barb's wedding took place. I looked hot in my silk dress. It was fun, Katherine, step-third cousin Jeremy and I got so wasted. I puked a lot, too. At the end I was crawling through Sue's hotelroom to get to the toilet. All the kids, Katherine (19), Jeremy (19), Becky (15), Micah (16), and John (12) ran around crazily. I had insane amounts of fun that night. Fun that I don't often have. Discussing sex with everyone, and techno with Jeremy. I thought he was cool, he hugged me and was so nice, when he was drunk. Micah was the Calvin Klein model type, but then I got drunk and we danced. I had so much fun in the smoking room, with the gay couple who was absolutely belligerent. They were cool. Everybody there was cool because we were all incredibly wasted.

I also thought I was cool because Kathering and Jeremy smoked weed and asked if I wanted to. I said no, and tried my hardest to be happy. But I did it last night. I don't know why. I called Kelly to tell him first, but that didn't upset him too much. It was the scariest thing in the world. I took two hits, and it was horrible. Nothing was funny, nothing was fun, nothing was beautiful. I remember honestly thinking that I was going to die. I could feel my heart pumping out of my chest, and into my arms, making them hurt. We were walking around outside and I couldn't figure out what was down or up. I had no idea from which direction I just came, or where I was going. It was so horrible. And I couldn't tell anyone. Kelly called and gave me his calling card number, but I couldn't figure out the numbers correctly, so I never got through. I spent forever in the bathroom, staring at the numbers on the telephone. I would try over and over to dial them, but always I would mix up one of the numbers. Horrible. I was so stoned for the entire night, probably like eight hours. It's not healthy for me to be away from him. I'm so sorry, my love. I made myself try to remember exactly how I felt, so that I wouldn't do it ever again. I don't know what happened. I can't do that anymore, I really really wish I hadn't. 

So now I'm on the plane. I get to see Kelly when I get back. It seems like it's been so long. I know, I only didn't see him yesterday. He has an interview next week with Portland Art Institute, or something. He wants to be a graphic designer. I love him and I want him to be whatever he wants to be. So I want him to go. But I love him. I want him to stay. If he goes, we can't be together. Well, obviously not physically, but at all, I mean, I can't do it. I don't know what I would do, though, if he left in a year. Or nine months. I bet that if we're still happy in love, he won't go, for my sake. Which could be good, or bad, it's hard to say. I want him here in a year. I want him to live in his own house, so I can sleep with him. I am so lucky he hasn't broken up with me, especially after my drug experiences. I am so damn lucky, I hardly know what to do. I honestly cannot picture my life without him. I know that even if he did leave, it's not like I wouldn't want to talk to him every day of my life, and I couldn't be with anyone else. I don't see how I could. I want to be with him forever and ever, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just do all I can. I'm going to try to be the best girlfriend in the world to him. He deserves a good girl and a happy life. And me too. I don't know, I know plenty of things... About plenty of things. About Kelly I know: he's my best friend, he's my favorite thing, he's the only real thing. I WANT to be with him forever; I doubt it will happen. I know that I'm in love. I'm happy because of him. My future: I want to travel, I want to take Kelly with me. I want to dance to techno in Europe. I want to live in NY with Kelly. And I love him. and I hate babies. They are stupid. My life is boring. no I'm not going to say wah! I'm not Britta.

2002

Tonight is Thanksgiving Dinner, girls-style. That means Pauline can invite people like Chris and Alex, right? That means... No. I don't like Pauline. Yeah yeah, we already have made this clear, I believe.

So last night I went with Jean, Wendie, Erica, Yvonne, Ruby, and Pilar to this party. I love Wendie & Jean of course. Erica was crazy all night because she was obsessively worried about her ex hitting on me. Erica's ex is this fat 31-year-old weird loser. I wasn't sure if he was hitting on me. He got very close to me and told a long, uninteresting story to which I nodded and shook my head and feigned excitement. He poked my stomach once & grabbed my side and was just too close. It wasn't until Erica claimed aloud that he wanted to fuck me that I got creeped out. He was creepy alone, but the creepier thing was Erica's paranoia that he was hitting on me. Then the three of us (Wendie, Jean & I) had to fight off all the old guys there. There was so much delicious food, though, and everyone smoked us out, which was cool. It was such a strange place. Damn. Time to cook!

2004

flying higher than all the clouds could be. Next to Erwin. He's reading Triton. Scifi in fedora and gold old man shirt with blue striped knit sweater reminiscent of the early nineties. There are a few androgenes here on flight 710 to SLC.

Right now Alana's driving to Wyoming. She should be on hour 8 or so. Maybe she's in Nebraska. She's visiting her ex-step-mom and step siblings. She's in love with Craig. They're basically married, with a nice and colorful Ikea/print inspired apartment. His band is called the Rories, named after the adorable prepschool attending Rory from the WB's hit show, Gilmore Girls. Bryttni's suburban hipster boyfriend Brian is also in a band that was, I think, named after some stupid show on TV nights.

Boyfriends and Girlfriends are ridiculous. They make stupid faces and watch idiotic television. They keep each other up nights when one of them is being this irritating combination of stupid faces and idiotic TV. Both lead to mindless humor. Which in turn becomes humorless minds. What's left?

Being in a relationship is like watching a lot of TV. Especially when the couple gets together everyday. It doesn't matter if the time differs; it's all occurring within a designated and repeated timeslot. It's always PrimeTime. And then it's mindless repetition. Enslaved. Possessive relationships. Who am I to speculate? Of course to some extent it relates to me, though I like to see myself as Exempt. Shouldn't I be, if I'm "so smart"? Nope. All of these smart girls turned into butter, melting rapidly. Then they drip all over their boyfriends, they crave a seeping into their pores. Becoming. Enveloping. Britta  & Chris, Molly & Kelly, Kari & Sam, Bryttni & Thad, Stacie & Jarrett, Bryttni & Brian, Jean & Tom, Molly & Erwin, Alana & Craig, Jean & David, Britta &... what the fuck is his name, starts with an "N", oh well, doesn't matter... Oh, and Molly & Brian, can't forget him, in all his adorableness.
all the fussy babies

2007

Brooklyn, 2:08 am

Not going to do these things:
call Ben; erase things about being best friends with him or with jason, (because it wouldn’t happen) as we all know again withOOUT semicolon for we all know best what we all know best I’m sure. Which of course in that reference tingle tinglegooseberry.

I’d give jason two seconds! A half more, even. Sorry to saY, as long as he has it in him not to listen we’ll not go far. The moon looks very very big & bright tonight. Even bigger tomorrow I presume. You luscious tendency. A glowing set of lights. Sexy sexy sexy and so far away! On own planets I shouldn’t hesitate to say! Beauty remains unperturbed. A falseness destroys us none. I love every minute, every sprinkle second even when invented or assumed! And just like that, across the hall from me now Andrew on his bed topless laptop glasses shine blue light bedroom shadows. Welcome home, roomy!! I killed a roach with all my might maybe and did it for us. You or you on me. A treat.

23 november

1998  3:12 pm

Today sucked like shit sucks. I cried in the bathroom during 7th period because I hate Joe because he was a jerk today. He got himself a really cool "mohawk." So I can't help it if it's funny to me. So now he's a jerk, and he can just sit on my beef and spin me a river. Fucker. His hair is really funny, though. I did my speech today. I was really nervous about it, but I think I did pretty well. And I got two cookies. In math I was pissed cuz I forgot my homework and it wasn't completed. In photography I got lots of bad grades. I hate school.

the casualties

2002

I am 18 and a half today. Aw.

So I had a good night last night: I hung around with Jean, CJ, Livia, and Nick mostly. I got pretty drunk from Vodka and Hawaiian Punch and the classic Icehouse. Jean got drunk and passed out early, while I hung out with the rest. Then Nick and I were going to have sex, so we went up to get a condom. As we were trying desperately to work the condom machine, in walks Amanda and she shuts the door again really quickly. That was funny in itself, and more funny once Nick told me that she was the girl he had slept with earlier. Yeah, my neighbor, alright. So there's that. But the sex was fun and enjoyable and I had a nice sleep afterward and woke up at 3:30. But of course, I woke up much earlier than that to throw up, and my stomach was killing me. So then I came to my room only to break Princess Symphony... yes, Princess Symphony is no more. Sad. Well... I feel good. I feel happy. I really enjoyed our sex. It was nice. Mmm, we should do that again. I'm glad that we did. And hopefully we'll continue to. I'm sure that we will because we both like each other, and I think we have the same views on not sleeping with more than one person at a time.

2003

Sitting in a photo critique, looking over at Steve whose "mousy brown" roots are showing. He and I are friends. We drove on Thursday at about 10 to Indianapolis where we turned around to return to Chicago with reluctance.

Coffee was great, Steve was in a good mood and happy to be hanging around me. We talked and got along and went to his house and he pushed his bike while tiny people had sex in his bag even though he didn't order sour cream and I kicked leaves while talking about Anarchy. Then we got in his Rav 4 and were off. We listened to the same music over and over. He told me that everything I did and said was genuine and that made him feel good. That's why he wants to keep me around and doesn't want to lose me as a friend. And it made me cry. Because it was genuine. We talked a lot about that kind of stuff but it doesn't really matter now that I'm out of class and have hung out with him once more. So the drive was awesome, it was all caffeine pills and music and so many stars in the sky. I drove right before the sun began to rise, and I drove into this huge and shining city under purple and pink sky. Amazing. And we hugged goodbye and we both had an equally good time and I was happy after that.

So today we got out of class at noon, so Steve and I went to the American Girl Place, fucking awesome as to be expected. We took some photos and laughed at the men sitting sullenly on the benches and shared knowing looks with the men who were caught alone pushing a stroller in the Bitty Baby section. And then we went to Marshall Fields, as Steve wanted to be in a place built to control people's feelings, but first I needed some magazines so we went to Borders and sat in the cafe and I read about What Not To Wear and we stole a lot of magazines and then I got some mittens. Then to Hole Foods where we ate matching green burritos and naked juice. We both had identical moments of looking at our green burritos and agreeing that stolen food tases much better, especially when you're eating it right where you stole it. De-fucking-licious. We have these jinx moments a lot. Even say the word after going through the subway gates. Love Steve. Can't help it but to. He said he wanted to hang out with me yesterday. All that tells me is things are definitely going in a good direction. And to call him when I find my phone. Man, he's so fucking great. I like how this is going, so far it's actually retaining itself quite perfectly.

So on Friday there was supposedly this party and Nick and CJ came! Yes! But mostly Nick as he was of course Nick and amazing at it. He spent most of the time with me, I think, except for all the times I went to smoke withAlex  & Mik & Melinda & Erica. So Nick... he always would sit as closely to me as possible and we would always be touching and a hug goodbye and a hand on my back and just... ah he made my night good. I like Nick a lot and I'd really love it if I could have him more which he told me he'd love, too and if I could just I would make sure that we'd be close. If I could just get Nick now to be friends with me and I could get my balls, no I actually have plenty of balls when it comes to the matter but if I only just could or it felt right to call up Nate and be friends with him again too then I would feel like I didn't miss out on all these people that I never wanted to miss out on in the first place. Wouldn't it be so fucking great at all? I forgot to call Nick on his birthday. He's 21 now.

2004         20 1/2

Excellance. Excellence.

How can I be fascinated in star.

On the train with Alana and Alex and fifty strangers. Going to Montana with Erwin tomorrow. Kelly's pregnant. Sam might have a baby, too, with 17 year old pregnant girlfriend. Stacie has become the possession of demanding asshole jealous crazy boyfriend from Ontario. Nobody's met Kelly's cowboy prolife boyfriend! Well, I'm sure he's just fantastic.

2007
San Francisco Airport: 7:11 am

And today I am 23 and ½, drawing nearer and nearer to 24 each little second. The year of the 23… I said it began in 2007. I wonder why I still allow myself to follow that calendar, the calendar year when other calendars prove more true to life and time explanatory sensical. Of course the lunar calendar would then mark tomorrow anew. My period’s just ended; I should have planned my own lunar cycle better. But luckily the moon was bright and huge just this morning over some little lake and it was yellower and yellower as it sunk on the black horizon.

The year of the 23 began maybe in January, but it truly exemplified its importance in April as, I suppose, time progressed toward it, the May 23. I shall wish Mike the Model a happy half birthday as well. I probably should have been more fair to myself by allowing my 23 sexual partners to have been reached by the 24th birthday. If that was the case, I still have only two left… Though, Scott, can’t you fit within a different category entirely?

This is quite lovely, I reek of delicious marijuana stuffed in the underwear. I dropped the sack on the bathroom floor but for only a second and looked to the ceiling in annoyance and said, see this is what happens. The pot has been reeking me up for a few hours now, undoubtedly it bakes on my warm vagina and cooks to delight the senses. I only wonder if anyone else can sense the dankness. I spoke to Eric on the telephone last night which made me miss them. Susie from downstairs who’s returning to chapel hill in carolina. Unfortunate, for we only enjoyed her frostinged presence in the briefest. And Dan, of whom I finally developed pictures, of the fateful night nearing on one year ago when we kissed and attempted something. Adorable. I only hope he moves into the apartment soon. Dan, Rookie of the Year. And Joey was there. Alex was in Boise, is still in Boise, but we didn’t see one another. Instead we talked briefly on the phone and it felt like we’d still been across the country from one another for years before seeing each other in Boise.

and flying 3:20 pm…

How is it I’ve planned to arrive just a solemn hour before having to be at work? That is, my already delayed flight arrives only 45 minutes before worktime. There is no way, not a chance. I suppose I have to take a cab, then, from jfk to stonehome. Pulling a large suitcase and large duffelbag, only 55.5 pounds in total. I know how to take care in Idaho. And that pot keeps falling out of my underwear and I keep whiffing it excitedly. I suppose that’s what has to happen: I don’t want to spend $50! I thought of taking the train home then hiring a car but that’s hours later. I’ll be late either way, I plan to convince Dave the barback to come in a little early to hostess for me… how I hate to hostess! How did I plan this? Did I realize I’d spend my night’s money earned on carrides to not be late? I hate myself and pray for death.

Boise. Boise was fresh and freezing. A highlight was smoking a spliff on a fence on a hill all dark with tips of plants yellow white. Sunset turning pink to red, a pat benetar tape on the walkman. Just me in new brown leather jacket recently acquired from savers. Later I went to Kelly’s. When I arrived he was passed out, open-mouthed, on a chair. It was difficult to awaken him, and when I did all he could say was “what.” A few times. Then he got up and gave me a hug (he’s so tall!) and apologized. Then sold me pot and talked about how he did so much coke for six months and at least 500 pills of ecstasy. And then he began to puke so I ducked out of there and over to Herb’s. Too bad I was too stoned already and still rolled a joint and we both withdrew and went inside of ourselves. I felt awkward as awkward to feel and we apologized a lot but tried to keep it going. Eventually it was goodbye and over, though still I must have left him with some kind of impression… I think somehow he remembered a lot from me when I was here before. And next christmas, though my crush on him is not harsh and severe and I might go so far to say that it nonexists, we’ll try to have one more evening to catch up. Though we’ll never be able to start anything with one another. Oh, oh. The possibilities of your awesomeness? No, but I think he’s a kind kind person, and an adventurer at heart.

It was such a short trip and Boise is banal. I walked into my room and felt like it was so perfect that I’d like to live in it. I wanted the little comfortable bed with a lamp built in, and warmth, and things all dusted off and lined up. Because now they’re threatening to destroy the artifact… to tear it apart and to clean it, painting walls, replacing carpets… over my dead body indeed!

On this 23rd I’d like just to go to Bushwick and into my nice bedroom where I put all my new things away. And I’d call Ben (the boy called on Wednesday, asking if I’d like to hang out) and demand that he come over to celebrate the delicious pot. California. Just the two of us, and if it isn’t too much trouble, can’t we just sleep and spoon?

2010

I know what day it is. 26 & a half. No one has any good ideas. I can fit into my old pants. The ones from London, the ones I wore constantly. Can’t find Hunger, but in determination to read or finish Shea’s literature I began We Have Always Lived In The Castle. You know, the one Shea told me, as a parting statement, that will blow my mind. There is beautiful snow everywhere and a beautiful sky. Tonight I will walk again, or maybe this afternoon. I built for myself an old-fashioned diary. Going to try my hand at trying my hand once more. But the theraflu, my mind is over. 

I called Shea because I want pool & pitchers. I gladly left a message, and he called back, happy voiced. I know, I know: he simply forgot about me. Blew me off & brushed me away. And just my call reminded him that we can be friends. I doubt he ever would have remembered. But now I know my feelings a little better; there isn’t a fear of my wanting him at all. I am glad we’ll hang out, but a crush on him I’ll no longer have. He isn’t for me; he is so so very far away from being for me.

 

22 november

1998
3:46 pm

Today is Zac's 17th birthday. Happy birthday you gangsta/jock little nick. So on Saturday Mr. Ben Affleck came and got me and took me to Stacie's. I had fun in his car, we listened to Anti-Flag the whole way. Then we made the movie for speech. It's so funny, but I didn't do very well on the camera work. Then we went with Stacie's mom to "I Still Know What Yer Mom Did Last Summer." oh All right a new Alanis Morissette song. The movie was as gay as to be expected. I wasn't disappointed, but Ben was whining that he couldn't sit next to Stacie so I had to switch places with him. I was Jennifer Love Hewitt and Stacie was Brandy. We both lived. 

I felt really bad for Ben because Stacie wasn't talking to him. She was pretty much ignoring him. It's just something she does to every boyfriend she has, I guess. She says it's nothing personal to him, but he feels really bad, cuz he thinks she doesn't like him. So they talked a little bit, and they're still going out. Stacie doesn't want to go out with him. anymore. She just wants to be friends with everyone and not go out with anyone. and I think that's a good idea. Saturday night Stacie, Katie, Chris, TJ, Matt & I were watching "KIDS" at Matt's house and she was lying on him. It made me kind of mad since she has Ben, but okay. She said she felt bad about it, too, but she really likes Matt. She doesn't even do that to Ben. Oh, and Chris and Katie are going out. That makes me happy cuz I know how much Katie likes him, and they make a really good couple. Okay, back to Friday after school. Bruce wants Stacie, it's so obvious. It's really funny, he's annoying. Stacie thinks TJ likes me, I say, "oh yeah, you're right!" And Joe just is annoying because he's so damn obsessed with wrestling. All he does is twist my arms back or give me a kind of heimlich maneuver type thing. Kill. We had fun doing the hood-rat thing, though. I came home and cried for awhile over Joe, but got over it soon enough. Loser, he's not worth crying over. Oh, and you know how punk rock he is? He doesn't even have my Anti-Flag CD. Okay, you punk rocker. 

PS    I don't want no baby



2002

Kelly's 20th Birthday. 3rd year in a row that I've missed Kelly's birthday. What can you do. I called him at 12:15 Boise time. He says he can't hang out with us "dumb teenagers" anymore. He had just gotten done smoking his first bowl of his 20th year. As Jean said, "Good old reliable Kelly." Boy was she right. Good, old, and reliable. I will have sex with Oyvind soon. This weekend. Maybe tonight. My predictions about this sort of thing usually come true. I knew that before Wednesday rolled around that I would be taking him back to my room to eat potatoes and watch Mulholland Drive, didn't I? Exactly. So there you have it. I guess there's no reason why I shouldn't. I guess since I already kind of started doing it with him, I now know that it would be enjoyable. Enjoyable. That's probably not going to be good enough. Doesn't anyone understand that I can't just DRAW NAKED PEOPLE ALL DAY? Or can I... No, I cannot.

But a woman, who, with amazing nipples, sits still for hours and almost appears to sleep. I don't know, something about an areola the size of the bottom of a soupcan is just wondrous to me.  


My skin is yellow
My hair is long
Between to worlds
I do belong.


I dyed my hair. It's supposedly medium blonde, but it's definitely not. It's still a little red. It's like light brown red. I guess one might call it auburn. I guess.

So here, tonight. Galleries with Jean, Shelagh, Cindy, I'm not sure who else. oh, and Nick. Nick has an Old Navy version of Kelly's Abercrombie & Fitch corduroy jacket. I like Nick. Brando Demando is calling me after school. He'll want to hang out for awhile, but I'm going with Jean to get her haircut and to Belmont. I don't know. I don't know why I do things like that (that being Brando Demando).

Why Why Why Why Do I Ask So Many Questions
"Is this why those guys don't sleep with you anymore?" - Brandon, on me asking a lot of questions about one's intentions. I can't believe that shit. But you know, I know how to make a boy think I'm crazy or not to want to see me anymore it's not like it's just them. Ya know, God, of course. But really. If a guy likes me I guess it will be obvious and not because of anything but the fact that I am still liked through all the craziness. Only a special boy will be able to handle [drawing of hands surrounding the word] THIS. I guess maybe the fact that I'm not thinking and have nothing to say, doesn't mean there's nothing going on in my life/head. Maybe I'll not analyze so damn much. I'm alright. She's alright, she's okay, don't worry.

Hey Hey. Friday. Don't feel much like hanging around Laura and Chris. Not that I don't like Laura and Chris. Well, maybe it is that I don't like them. I don't have any good reasons for this, of course. Reasons enough- but not good ones at all. Fuck, I just really don't like to be around them. Laura's alright but not Chris and no Laura + Chris at all. At all. At all at all. No reason why not just not interested. I don't like Chris. I in fact really find myself disliking him. Something about his doughy face and too small a nose. He's obnoxious. His dumb accent. His squishy body. The fact that he and I should never have been close to working. Actually, maybe that's not true.



2008

Wish it wasn't true I would rather call him on the telephone than see him now.
I knew it would be, should have let him leave earlier. Now no until the 10th of December. Barely, then... fools