2000
I love Sawyer, forget everything I said about him, we had so much fun. I went home and slept until 10:00, then stayed awake until 1:30, and slept until 2:00 Sunday. Then at 6 I went with Megan & Stacie to Battle o' the Bands. It was pretty fun. Kevin's band is cool. I of course saw Trevor with his girl. He was nice, probably showing off for his girl, later telling her of his "bitchy ex-girlfriend." I watched his solitary soul skank to the PirkQLators. I decided that he should be in a movie, skanking alone in slowmotion with "Dreamweaver" in the background. He's cute. I miss him. Of course Ian was there with his bald head and he kissed Megan and tried to get her to kiss him. She said now, and I found out later that she didn't for my sake. She seriously thought that I liked Ian. It's stupid, but cool that she wouldn't for that reason. It sucks, though, that she wanted to & should have. Player. If I had Quinn, I would never look at anyone else. It's fucked. But also it's fucked on Ian's part. He knows that Quinn likes Megan, unless that doesn't matter to them. It seems like they'd have enough sense not to go for one another's girls. Unless... I guess I don't know senior guys that well. I'm sure Quinn is playing Megan as we speak. And also Megan saw Dan making out with another chick, and she was pissed about that. I can understand her being upset that they were publicly doing that, but she's playing him, as well. It pisses me off because I love Quinn and would never look at anyone else if he was mine! NEVER
2003
The Problem of Evil- Oh my GOD I am starving. Reading Absalom, Absalom! and boy is it worth of exclamations. I'm enjoying what I can understand & with the dictionary's help.
What's been going on. I spent most of yesterday (10:00 - 5:30) with Nick and a portion of that was with both Nick & Nate and another portion included having both Nick & CJ in by bedroom simultaneously. Kill me. They're so hot. Note from before: I remember a time when I was in bed with Jason and he was sweating profusely from the armpits, only to reach over me with them, touching the sweat to each of my nipples before placing his mouth upon them. Something about the act of his licking his own armpit sweat from my nipples gave me ultimate glee. Just another memory- how his ill fate brings me a sick joy. Won't I miss that. Yes, but no. I am still occasionally thinking of him, and he was the star of a stupid dream, but I know I'm getting over it & I'll move on soon or eventually. As long as I'm dreamless, I can put him aside as something that happened once but is now over. It's nice to not see him everywhere, something that can be avoided. It'll be over soon; I'll continue on celibate and somehow content.
Things are reasonably good. I'm enjoying my classes, Missy is gone for the next few days, and I'm surrounded constantly by people I like. I can go into Sarah's room whenever I like and smoke. Last night was nice, there were only girls. Sarah, Casey, Paula, and Alice. I like Sarah a lot, and I like Casey though she's an obnoxious shallow valley girl thing. Alice creeps the fuck out of me though she is a version of Alex mom, and I just want to look like Paula. And then there's Renee with the giant red bong called Velma- she's also quite adorable, another inspiration. I don't need hope for attractiveness- as I don't HOPE, I work out and I live on grande mint mochas and one meal daily and wear cute as fuck outfits, but really I have to try for I feel so much better on some days, and no matter what that looks like, it is important for purposes of self-confidence and need for superiority- and then there's Mike who's smoking me out tonight & aiding in my purchases which is a necessary repayment for all the girls. And Nate, I'm sure he'd smoke with me if he had any though Jason would not as we're no longer "as good of friends" and John would never unless it were for Jason. And Alex, Alex when he has it and Jean who allows me to smoke more than she but perhaps will be different now that she and Max are no longer and of course there's Andy who is the random visitor to Sarah's room. I wonder if Jason has taken my marks off the ceiling. One for every fuck we've shared. Hopefully, for unless Olivia is blind to details and unaware, she'll gaze upon it and wouldn't that be unfortunate. It's becoming funny though I'm missing sex and kissing and his head, and his body, and his retarded-attractive sex expressions, though I'm very much getting used to the idea of never experiencing these again. He got a haircut, and to me it only means the end. And finally. About time, thank you, thank you Olivia for going back to that and ending our hotsteamy love-affair. Hotsteamy Love-Affair? Ah... yes... goodbye.
2008
1:51 am
What are the chances you’re in williamsburg, cuts Luke in and out over the 1:49 am telephone. Meanwhile it seems obvious that if I was in williamsburg I would have seen him already tonight.
Mistakes aren’t readily made by me; he wants to smoke a joint and go home and that is all. I said alright, but then when I look at it it isn’t a joint at all really, just a little cigarette with some pot thrown in. And how he says it, on the cutting in and out telephone standing next to the skiball machine at hugs, at hugs… but no one to hug, then. Tells me we’ll smoke a joint and then he’ll leave. Offers of leaving. Possibilityless that he’d like to stay! Always choiceless. I’ll be.
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