2002
I'm sitting here wondering how one could be so interested in economics. I think it's crazy. Some people are crazy. I'm excited for everything starting tonight. No dad. I sort of would like to see Zach and Justin. I like Justin, he's fun, and I guess I could call Zach entertaining. He is. He is so cute and yet, so dumb. I hope that I will be able to see Justin before he leaves forever. And I think I should at least have one picture of Zach, don't you? I mean, if I had pictures of all my other boys... Yeah. But I'm not sure. I'll probably hang around Rite-Aid more frequently in the hope that I can talk to Justin. Oh well. Damnit, in a couple of minutes I have a psychology test that I'm not looking forward to. Did I tell you about Zach's fish, speaking of economics? I made him name it Stephanie, after everyone's favorite economics teacher. But according to him, its name is Molly. I told Kari to ask him what it was, and he denied it. Stephanie. Isn't that sweet. I can tell that I don't like him solely on the fact that I don't want to flirt/talk to him when I have the opportunity to talk to someone better. Obviously, this is unlike me when in the presence of a likable boy. He's cute but... what a dork. He's I guess maybe worthy of the "cool retard" title. I suppose his annoyingness can be related to that of Ben Affleck. They're differently annoying, but annoying nonetheless. And Zach's cuter.
2004
music: soft
mood: harsh
Soft cat arms. true love and not enough. weirdness loss of memory absolute under-standing I abhor meaning [I'd rather get the version of you that you gave me].
Probably am too self obsessed but then think, maybe should just explain self and an answer will be concluded upon and for any record, will exist I. Image made for self: Youthful mature. Round face, rotund cheeks, smile that curls at the corner. Big cat eyes. Lovely hazel eyes. Lashes. Expressive face. Freckles. 5'3 3/4, 130 lbs. Aqua cowgirl boots from Idaho. Dirty aesthetic. Retro nouveau Look at me. I look like I want to stab you. can look really hot, or really innocent. or so mean. why would anyone want to be friends anyway. maybe should remember the stupid things said.
Hate to be emotional but
here's some truth for you
Take me far away from you
always tired exactly when you should be for the good of yourself
2009
11:12 pm, Portland, Oregon
I wish I could lowercase the numbers. Any and all numbers. It’s funny, this feeling in me like familiar little lovejolts up a spine. Like being in love for a second. Isn’t to say not I’m in love and all, we all know what that is. Is what that, all. What if I could type so many more words a second, and a minute letters would appear rightful & strong.
I am in Portland, Oregon, in this sweet attic room a space heater very close. Two windows, one northward and the other, bednear, south. A cat named Mary Lou who is no Mexico but such a sweet & pretty friend & pet, sleeps in a black and white curl at the foot of the bed. I am warm & my hands are dry, such as wintry hands go in warm rooms. Even listening to Bonnie Prince Billy, that’s why the heartpangs. Silly me, I got the phone in disconnect and now wait in patience, will he come? Wondering, just to know. I had to try to communicate with Adan only using telepathy. And email, because that’s what we have now, the two of us. He has a job at a restaurant in the southeast. He rides his bike there and has a white helmet. I have a job at a teashop, and I make between ten and up towards thirty dollars of tips a day. I am almost completely out of money, which is unfortunate for my wants of magic mushrooms ordered and got very next day by Elijah, my roommate who lives in the basement. I’ve only just seen the basement, never been to his rooms but have heard his girlfriend Faith scream in ecstasy while I retrieved my warm laundry from the downstairs bathroom. I wanted to ask Bill if he’d mind could I use his phone for a call to Adan, but he’s on it & the door’s shut so I suppose it’s more like, will he appear? And hope it won’t be on gchat?
I am tired, my eyes I can feel are closing. It is strange here, I never go into hysterics. At least I had hysterics at stonehome winebar. There is too much to do, and now nothing but all the time in the world in which to do it. But same, same always. Now not even the distractions of phones.
